a Yellow Night on the Sun

I seem to be having a bit of a melancholy kind of night. I can't say I'm depressed, though. I hope the words that come out are... well I just hope they are.

I'm cozied up, just like I was very early this morning, with Mr. Dead. I wrote this there:
I like to lay back; get cozy. I draw things up around me so I can tuck back in and be away and safe from the scareful world. I relax my eyes. They know not where the walls end, at least for now, and it is here that I feel calm; here that I think good things; here that I want to be, in this bed; here with Mr. Dead.

Yeh, so possibly it's a bit sappy, but I don't care much. I imagine I will eventually tell you all about Mr. Dead, but for now, it's up to you to do with my janglings as you wish.
Thinking back on all of the time spent thinking and trying so hard not to sinks me even deeper. And I gotta tell ya: I REALLY tried to think not. A single message stopped the world, and oh God, now it's upside-down. My reality completely inverted by a Stranger.
I'm sure there's enough information and story to it that I could write a book about it, and it wouldn't speak the volumes that were spoken to me in such miniscule ways.

I reread those damn messages and my heart palpitates; I still get that anxious feeling in my gut below my solar plexus, and then my stomach turns and butterflies are everywhere. Butterflies. My skin, my blood, my bones: all butterflies, and Dear God: I don't want to lose this.

"Your skin, oh yeh your skin and bones turn into something beautiful. D'you know for you I'd bleed myself dry? For you I'd bleed myself dry..." (Yellow, Coldplay).

If only I could compose myself enough to write it out well. Is this written well?
Composure: I don't have much when it comes to this. I can write essays, papers, speeches, and the composure is immaculate. Feelings come up and I'm all over the damn place. I'm not here at all when it comes to Mr. Dead. I'm on Venus, and the transmission back down to Earth isn't clean.

Vindication for the Unprecedented (a poetic bit)

A breath
A line
A verse.

The beginning to the end of something.
Fear of lost happiness and choking on its display.
Fear of one thing yet to begin all because of the possible end.

The end to the beginning of what was.
Terror of nothing new.
Terror of nothing at all to convince.

The transition from that to this.
Attachment to the mist indiscernible and in front.
Attachment to the wind like a balloon that's lost its ground.

A foreigner did his best to describe the subtle, barbed-wire phenomena.
And called it Vindication.

12/4/8

The Initial Post

How did I end up here? Well, you see, it's sort of simple. As I was a pile of flesh and bones on the couch that is not mine, I wanted something to politely poke at my brain to help me feel better (there is science behind that). The only thing that was on my mind at the time were my thoughts, and how I feel about those thoughts, and how I want to have discussions with people about these things. I scavenged Google for something suitable, and I found this site. Thus, I ended up here. Nice to meet you.

Now, you may possibly want to know just what it was that I was thinking. Let me tell you, and if you don't want to know, now would be the time to stop reading.
I'm looking for something more in life than what I have.
Allow me to say, I'm well aware that's a bold statement to make, and some may think it to be a bit selfish. To address the boldness: I'm very confident. I usually know what I want, and when I do, I do what I can to fulfill that. I would imagine that's where the thought of selfishness comes in.
Here, I will address that: If you've read The Virtue of Selfishness by Ayn Rand, you need not read this section. If you have not read the aforementioned book, read carefully. I do not go beyond moral reason and values to obtain what I want. I do not sacrifice others' needs/wants/morals/values for what I want; however, I do not sacrifice my self/needs/wants/morals/values for what others want, or what I want because that would be non-productive. You follow? Feel free to ask questions and voice comments should they arise. I welcome all.

Getting back to my thought: I'm looking for something more in life than what I have. I appreciate to the best of my capabilities all of the things I have. I'm all for taking the crap of a situation and turning it into something I can actually use, like an educational experience, even if it's "well, I know not to do that again." I will have a hard time being specific here, because I'm not entirely sure of exactly what I want, but I'll start with a list:
>I want my time with Mr. Dead to last for as long as... ever.
>I want to have a job.
>I want to get my car fixed (having a job will help that..).
>I want to help others.
>I want to help myself.
That's just a start. Also, I am doing my best with these things already. In other words, they're not idle ideas. I'm in the process of doing what I can with what I have to fulfill my desires. It's just not going as smoothly/quickly as I'd like, but that's life, right? It takes time, and if time were linear, life would probably be easier, and we wouldn't learn a damn thing (time is not linear; look it up).

I have dirt under my nails. I'll handle that later.
My name is Elicia.
I like potatoes.